How About You Just Mind Your Own Business Next Time?

This is directed to those folks who think they are improving our lives but who in fact, are trashing them. This particular edition is dedicated to the 1st moron who took out the jukebox and replaced it with piped in music. Like lemmings, others followed and you have all left me wondering, "What the fuck were you thinking?"

I have loved jukeboxes since I was an 8 or 9 years old and started sneaking off to the pizza joynt around the corner from my house. I would return empty Coke bottles and save the pennies until I could afford an order of garlic bread or sometimes fries. As I recall, the food was tasty but culinary delight was not the main draw.

I went for the jukebox and more important, the waitresses who fed it quarters. The best time to go was in the afternoon right after I got out of school and before the dinner rush. If they weren't very busy, they would mooch quarters from the bartender.

Over the years, I found out that you can learn a lot about a woman if you pay attention to how she uses the jukebox. It goes far beyond what type of music she decides to play. Sure, Patsy Cline, standards vs. dance music, Top 40 all yield clues about her state of mind. But you also needed to pay attention to her relationship to the jukebox. Was she dancing with the jukebox while choosing her songs? Did she play the same song over and over again? Maybe she asked strangers what they'd like to hear or even asked strangers for quarters.

And now that important resource for delving into a woman's psyche is gone. Happy, Motherfucker?

Why I Bought the 20 Oz. Pilsner Glasses

When I say, “I’m going to have a beer; would you like one?” There are only two possible correct answers.

“Yes please” or “No thank you.”

“I’ll just have a sip or two of yours,” is not one of your choices.

But, that’s what my favorite ex would sometimes reply. Not because she couldn’t belt back a cerveza or two. The woman could throw down when she wanted to. Maybe she thought I would find it endearing in a coupley kind of way. No, I did not. I've never had a taste for ½ a beer. What’s the point?

So, I bought 20 oz. pilsner glasses. After that, if she wanted to share mine, I’d open two bottles of beer. I would fill my pilsner glass and give her the remaining ½ of a bottle of beer.

My friends tell me that that’s why I’m single. Most likely, there are scads better reasons than that, but it’ll do.

Cheers.