Are You the Fixer or the Fixed?

Raise your hand if you have mental checklist of the things you plan on fixing in perspective girlfriends. My exes all did. I did not. If your clothes and hair cut are good enough when we’re dating, they’re good enough when we become a couple. My exes did not agree.


As soon as we got together either my hair or clothes or both were “wrong.” My hair should be longer or shorter or curled. My clothes should be preppier or girlier (Who hooks up with a butch woman and then decides she wants her to be girlier, anyway?)

I’m not saying that I never found out things about my girl friends that I tried to change. One used racial epithets and I did issue an ultimatum over that. Another one had never voted in her life. I didn't make it an issue, but I did start taking her to rallies and we talked politics a lot. She decided on her own to start voting. She called me during the 2008 election to talk about the races and ballot initiatives and I admit that made me pretty happy.

But as far as suggestions on makeup and hairstyle, I keep my mouth shut. If I buy clothes, jewelry, or perfume as presents, I stick with what I know you like, not what I wish you liked.
[originally posted on LezBang, July 2008]

Cigars? Cigarettes? Tiparillos?

Thanks to a certain online buddy, a good part of my life is now spent in What would it take to make that into 1/6 scale land. I thought I’d share a very cool find with you.

I needed a pack of cigarettes for a certain action figure but a 1/6 scale pack of cigarettes on eBay costs about $8-$10; it would take a couple of weeks for delivery; I’d still need to mock up the design and paste it on.

Time to do it myself. I needed a template for a box of cigarettes. I almost bought a pack to take apart until I found out how much cigarettes cost now. Fuck me. Are you kidding? I remember buying them at the Commissary for $2 a carton. I think when I quit they cost $1.50 a pack and I bitched about that.

I looked for a template online. SCORE. The site is called Build your own death project. Here's the full size version.

I used MS Publisher. After I worked out the logistics with the full-size version, I reduced the image to 1/6 scale, cut it out and folded as directed. The blog with the 1/6 version in use is on the action hero site.

Here’s the tax stamp on the bottom of the box. It’s barely visible on the full-size version much less the 1/6 scale. But I know it’s there. Here a link to a seal generator that I used to design the stamp.


There are some very creative souls who took the concept much further than me. Bangers used the template and came up with some fun designs:
(If I missed one that you posted, let me know and I'll add it if you send the file.)
Update: Unfortunately, the link to the cigarette box template is now dead. but you can download my sample to use as a guide.

Bondage Thursday

[Originally posted on LezBang]
Curious Friend: Rusty, have you ever used any of your ties for “extracurricular purposes”?
Me: I have not, but I wouldn’t rule it out in the future.

After that conversation, I wondered which of my ties would be best suited for that purpose. I wasn’t sure. So, allow me to put on my Gallop cap and ask which one you’d pick? (Hypothetically speaking, of course.)

(From left to right: the Keith Haring, my favorite tie, plain black with a weave texture, bow tie)

When making your choice which of the following characteristics would be most important?
- Length?
- Width?
- Texture?
- Material?
- Color?
- Pattern?

As long as you're here and in a disclosing mood, show of hands:
- Have you ever secured handcuffs only to later discover you lost the key?
- Has your partner lost a key after cuffing you?
- Can you get a good deal from a police supply company?
- What’s your favorite safe word?
- Have you ever forgotten your safe word?
- Have you ever pretended you forgot your partner's safe word?

Rusty Patti Rebooted

The reboot is posted. The link to the Rusty Patti - lesbian action hero blog is on the right hand side of the screen.

Fred Phelps and his Westboro Baptist Church congregation (all 15 of them) are already gearing up for battle. (They think they can stage a quick protest against the Rusty Patti comic on their way to the Michael Jackson Memorial on Tuesday).

IT'S ON!

"It sucks for all of you to NOT be me!"

That's what I wrote on the LezBang Christmas blog when I received my gift from my online buddy, Neo. She made me a frakkin action-figure. I was giddy and that does not happen often.

I needed to find a damsel in distress and hire a side-kick. And music; I needed a theme song. All of those things happened. And there was even a comic strip. I haven't done anything with the comic lately, but that's about to change.

Be on the lookout after the 4th of July weekend for a reboot of The Adventures of Rusty Patti- lesbian action hero.

Broken Funny Bone

“Why did you and Beatrice (not her real name but I couldn’t think of one less appropriate if she ever read this) break up after eight years?”

Everyone wanted to know why. I told people it was for a lot of reasons that were too personal to get into. That was a lie. It came down to the fact that we were not comedically compatible. It didn’t take eight years for me to find that out. It took me eight years to realize that it was as important to me as it was.

She just didn’t think I was funny. Or at best, she thought that my sense of humor was goofy and I took jokes too far¹ . Every other girlfriend I had, thought I was funny. In fact, I got dates just because I could make girls laugh.

Shortly after we started dating, but before we booked the U-Haul, a couple of friends invited us to go to a Melissa Etheridge concert. She named off everyone who was going: Jane and Sue; Ann and Kelly; Flo and Mona; and Rose and Beatrice.” “Holy shit, when were we conjunctionalized? Was there a ceremony? Did we get nice presents?” Blank stare. OK, not brilliant, but I have a great delivery and everyone else laughed. I should have taken this as a warning sign but I missed it.

If we were in bed and I thought something was funny I went ahead and said it without any regard for the current level of intimacy. That drove her out of her mind and not in the good way.

Once we were in the grocery store in the “women’s products” aisle. She picked up a douche package. I said, “Get something else; I don’t like that flavor.” The woman next to me laughed. A couple further down gave me a dirty look and walked away.” But Beatrice just glared at me and said, “Why do you say that stuff?” “Um; because it’s funny.” “No,” she said, “it really isn’t. “

Every year during Lent I go out of my way to put together jokes appropriate for the season so I’ll have one joke for each day of Easter Week. The punch lines for my two favorites are “I can see my house from up here” and, “No you dummies, nails out of the feet first, and then the hands.” Head-spinning would not be an exaggeration to Beatrice’s reaction to my “Jesus on the cross” jokes.

So, I stopped trying to make her laugh. If something amusing popped into my head, I kept it to myself. And I resented it. I was still funny when we were around other people, and on the phone with other people, and eventually on the computer with other people. And that pissed her off; she considered it cheating. Finally, we were at a point where we needed to work to keep the relationship going and I just didn’t feel like making the effort. And that as they say, was that.

So why did we start going out in the first place and why did we move in together and why did I stay with her for eight years? We did have some things in common. We both came from large families that we absolutely adore and both families accepted the idea of “us” almost immediately. Also, she had a son and understood how much time my kids would consume. We had the same politics. Alright, already stop badgering me. She was really hot, the sex was great, and she is an amazing cook. Oh, crap. What did I do?

¹ In my opinion, Mel Brooks ended the campfire scene too soon. I would have included a crazy-eyed farting canine.

[Originally posted on LezBang.]

For Your Listening Enjoyment

Here's my 9-year-old grandson practicing for his elementary school concert. He started playing in November of 2008. I'm not an expert on music, but I'm pretty amazed and excited by how fast he's progressed.